I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
