i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Do vagina's smell?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
