I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
