Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
