Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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