I think I won the penis lottery.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
