Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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