The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Dear god my vagina.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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