I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
as a side note pls kill me
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
