In America we eat man semen.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
