so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
