cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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