is your mom at the bar?
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
