the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
