Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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