dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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