My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
