My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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