My liver just broke up with me...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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