Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
