I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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