Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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