I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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