dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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