so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
