wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
