i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
