would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
