You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
