Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
