I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
