just tell him i said nine months
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
time to smoke my breakfast
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
