My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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