i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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