last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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