I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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