you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
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afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
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If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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