the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
