What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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