..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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