I'm gonna have a badass scar
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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