I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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