The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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