I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
