when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
