The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
