Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
