Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
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Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
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IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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