I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
