First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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