i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
