we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
