She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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