Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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