after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
